Walking out of the hospital a strange wave of happiness came upon me. Was this because I survived or was this because I knew I would soon be left alone to finish the job?
“Do you hate me?” Maria demanded.
I glare at her in disbelief. Biding my time I stare at her. She was just like me, overweight but she had inherited a good pair of breasts that left her with a curvaceous figure but unfortunately I hadn’t been so lucky and a closer description of my figure was more to a blob with a flat chest and no butt.
I then shift my eyes onto the third person, my second savior, Kelly. She stands at the same height as myself 5’4/5″ but she has a slim figure and has also been gifted with a good pair of breasts which got a lot of attention from the opposite sex. These girls had a body I would kill for, naturally. How could I compete with this? I couldn’t, and in this moment I realised this is why I would be alone.
I stare at Maria and answer “Yeah. I hate you. I’m sure later on I will thank you. But I’ll be honest with you I can’t, not hate you for stopping me.”
“Well that’s good enough for me.” She laughs to soften the blow.
The thought that a part of me hated my best friend brought a lump to my throat and I immediately changed the subject.
Walking in my blood stained Alice in Wonderland pajamas we find a taxi at the front of the hospital and hop in.
The taxi drops me off outside of my student accommodation. Its 7 am so I knew people wouldn’t be awake yet but I still walk through the courtyard to my flat with the hope no one who had seen me getting into the ambulance earlier was watching me walk back through the yard of the accommodation. I honestly felt embarrassed that I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted. I felt humiliated and part of me wanted to get back into the flat, walk into the kitchen, grab a knife, slit both my wrists and bleed out there and then. But I didn’t. I walk straight into my room and text my sister.
Walking back into the scene again was tough but I use texting my sister to face the music as a distraction.
I had sent my sister, Leanne a message last night at half 11 just as I was starting to feel bad and needed help. Her and her fiancé, Jack had both told me to call them if I needed to when I first started to self harm. I should have called but I couldn’t physically talk. This message had gone unseen until earlier this morning when she was woken up by a phone call from Maria telling her what I had done.
In her response she tells me to nap, call her when I wake up and catch the train back home.
I surrender and do as I am told, lay down and begin the troublesome task of falling to sleep.